


The Trap (Coda) or the one where dean spits out what he really means

by cascountsdeansfreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s15e09 The Trap Coda, Fix-It, Love Confession, M/M, Purgatory, deanlee (mentioned), deanlee warrior, fuck john winchester, purgaytory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22326568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cascountsdeansfreckles/pseuds/cascountsdeansfreckles
Summary: “Cas, wait. I have to say something.” His heart is pounding so hard that it’s a wonder Cas doesn’t hear it. Maybe he does. Cas looks a little impatient, but he hesitates.“You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer--”“No,” Dean objects, waving his hand. “I did mean all of that but--Jesus, okay. What I really wanted to say the whole time was--” This is a joke. He is a joke. He couldn’t say it in a prayer, what makes him think he can say it while Cas is looking at him with those stupidly blue eyes?“Dean, we have to go--” Castiel pulls at his arm a little, but Dean resists. He has to do this.“I love you, Cas.” The angel stops pulling. His mouth falls open a little and his eyes go wide. “I love you,” Dean echoes.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 196





	The Trap (Coda) or the one where dean spits out what he really means

**Author's Note:**

> i didnt edit this all that much so as usual please drop a comment if there are any weird errors

Dean curses, turning in another slow circle. There’s no movement in the trees around him. Not even a slight breeze. He presses forward towards the rift, trying not to think about the choice ahead of him. If he doesn’t find Cas by the time the rift begins to close--no. He can’t afford to think like that. Not after losing Cas in Purgatory once already.

“Cas,” he calls again, not even caring that his voice breaks. That any monsters around him now are seeing him begin to break down. For a moment that old voice is back in his head, unbidden, carrying the disappointment of his father. He almost laughs to himself as he imagines what John would say if he saw him now. Fighting to hold back tears of frustration as he searches for his friend in a forest. //His friend.//

John would probably see right through that. He saw through it with Lee--albeit that was after he walked in on Dean straddling Lee in the back of the Impala. Dean has to stop walking at the memory. He can almost hear the bottle of whiskey shattering on the ground in the motel parking lot. He hesitates for only a moment longer before remembering that he’s on a time crunch. And Cas is missing. And his dad is long dead. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, glancing at the time. *insert however much time they have left to get back* He stuffs his phone back into his jacket roughly, blowing out a steadying breath and glancing around again. He’s too distracted. He’s vulnerable.

“Cas!”

He shifts the gun in his hands, scanning the area around him for any sign of life. They’re almost out of time. If Dean can’t find him--if Dean has to leave without him, he wants Cas to know. He needs him to know. He takes a couple of numb steps toward the closest tree and leans against it. It’s been a long time since he did this. A long time since he’s felt desperate enough. He fights the urge to close his eyes, reminding himself that it’s still not safe. He’s still in friggin monster land.

“Cas,” he repeats, quiet this time. His eyes fall shut, despite his own efforts. “Cas, I hope you can hear me.” The sound of a bush rustling nearby reminds him to focus. He opens his eyes. “That wherever you are, it’s not too late.” Shit. That thought--it makes it real. He’s going to lose Cas again. After months of bitching at him and refusing to speak to him. The tears come back, stinging at his eyes and stealing his breath. He tries to blink them away. It’s time to be honest. There’s nothing left for him to lose. “I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend,” that’s an understatement, so much for being honest. “...but I just let you go. ‘Cause that was easier than admitting I was wrong,” he confesses. He looks up, half hoping that he’ll hear an all too familiar flutter of wings and Cas will appear in front of him. Beat up and tired, but alive. Nothing happens. He has to close his eyes against the empty landscape, looking down and willing himself not to cry. Not here. Not now. His hand clenches into a fist against the tree, and holy shit--he can’t do this.

He looks around again, checking this time not for an angel but for any threats, before letting himself drop roughly to his knees. It’s the last place left for him to fall. He’s hiding, really. Maybe that will make it easier to say what he knows he needs to say next. To say the one thing he’s been trying not to say since 2010. To make that final confession before he loses Cas forever.

“I--” the words get caught in his throat and he almost chokes on them. He wills his lungs to provide him with just a little air--just enough to say what he needs to--but he can’t do it. His chest constricts and he drops his head again. He can’t do it. “I don’t know why I get so angry,” he says instead. “I just know--I know it’s just always been there.” He sounds like a bitch now, his voice turning up at the ends and the tears blurring his vision. If anything comes looking to kill him, he doubts he’ll notice until it’s too late. The guilt from the past couple of months is bubbling out of him, and he prays to anything that’ll listen that Cas can hear him. “And when things go bad...it just--it comes out. A--and I can’t stop it.”

A hot tear drips onto his cheek, and it’s over now. The floodgates are open. One turns to two, and then three.

“No matter how bad I want to,” he continues, sniffling. “I just can’t stop it.” //Like I can’t stop loving you.// He shakes his head again. The words are coming unbidden now, slipping past his lips before he can think them over, before he can hold them back. “And I forgive you.”

That’s it. Something in him lightens. His stomach unclenches.

“Of course I forgive you.” //Because I love you, Cas.// But he still can’t say it. He can’t get the words out. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry it took me til now to say it--” //I hope you know that I’m not just talking about saying I forgive you.//

//I love you. I love you, Cas.//

“Cas, I’m so sorry.” If he expects an answer, or even just a feeling of clarity, some sign that Cas can hear him, he doesn’t get one. He lets out a little sob, looking down and trying to control himself--willing his body to relax. It doesn’t work. All he can think about is Cas. Cas laughing in the backseat of the Impala, Cas setting a beer down in front of him, and Cas saying his name so softly Dean’s heart almost breaks. Cas alone somewhere with Leviathan. Dead. He can’t breathe. “Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.” He can’t say anything else after that. He doesn’t have enough air in him to muster up a sentence. Besides, he still needs to get out. He has no idea how long he’s been talking.

He allows himself only a few seconds to close his eyes and lets one more choked sob wrack his body before blowing out a breath and wiping at his face. Even after that, he can’t get his legs to lift him until another tear falls. He doesn’t move to wipe it away. Then he’s up, searching again, fingering the trigger of the gun in case anything comes for him.

He’s given up hope by the time the rift comes into view. Cas is gone, he didn’t even get the flower. Sam and Eileen are still stuck with Chuck somewhere. He slows down as he approaches a wide tree, spotting something...something human-looking. He raises the gun, swirling around to point it at—

“Dean.” He drops the gun to his side.

“Cas?” It comes out disbelieving, breathless, a little embarrassing if he had any pride left in him. Cas stumbles to his feet. Dean would be anxious about the stiffness of his movements if he wasn’t blinded by his relief to see Cas alive.

“You made it,” Cas says roughly. He opens his arms for a hug in that way he always does—just letting them fall open and Dean crashes into him.

“I made it?” Dean repeats, laughing a little and pulling Cas close. They’re both breathing heavily as Dean squeezes the life out of him. All he can think is thank God, thank God. He “You okay?” He forgets himself for a moment, holding Cas at arm’s length before letting him go, pushing him back a little.

“Fine,” Cas manages, still breathing hard.

“What happened?” The angel shrugs a little, looking down.

“They were after me, not you. I figured it would be safest to give myself up,” he explains. Dean tries not to think about the last time they were here, but all he can see now is Cas standing by that lake.

//‘To keep them away from you.’//

“They take you to Eve?” he asks, bringing himself back to the present.

“Yeah. We were en route.” Cas explains how he got away and shows Dean the flower and it’s all Dean can do to not kiss him right there. Everything happens so fast after that, Cas is ushering him towards the rift and trying to get him to go but all he can think about it how he almost lost him and still didn’t have the guts to tell him. 

“Cas, wait. I have to say something.” His heart is pounding so hard that it’s a wonder Cas doesn’t hear it. Maybe he does. Cas looks a little impatient, but he hesitates all the same, raising his eyebrow.

“You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer--”

“No,” Dean objects, waving his hand. “I did mean all of that but--Jesus, okay. What I really wanted to say the whole time was--” This is a joke. He is a joke. He couldn’t say it in a prayer, what makes him think he can say it while Cas is looking at him with those stupidly blue eyes?

“Dean, we have to go--” Castiel pulls at his arm a little, but Dean resists. He has to do this. 

“I love you, Cas.” The angel stops pulling. His mouth falls open a little and his eyes go wide. “I love you,” Dean echoes.

“Dean…” Oh, God. That’s a lot of hesitation. Dean lets out a shaky breath and moves forward.

“You were right. We’re almost out of time, come on.” He steps toward the rift but looks back over his shoulder. Cas looks stricken. In a good way or a bad way, Dean doesn’t know. He grabs Castiel’s wrist as he begins to walk through the gateway. “Don’t let go this time.”

\--------------------------------

Dean feels like total shit. He almost lost Cas again, he had a very public emotional breakdown, he confessed his love for his best friend who has not spoken to him since they returned, and he got sucker-punched in the face by friggin God. All for nothing. Because Sam didn’t trap him. And they’re back to square one.

He picks at the label on his beer, pretending not to notice when Cas walks into the kitchen. The task gets a lot harder when the angel sits down right next to him.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey,” he mutters, not looking up. “Listen, about what I said...tensions were high. I thought you died, man. I got a little emotional and--”

“Don’t,” Cas says softly. Dean looks up at him, confused. He looks sad, almost. “Don’t do that. Don’t take it back.”

“Cas?”

“You caught me off guard. In Purgatory.” Dean stares at him. “I’ve been waiting to hear you say that for a long time, Dean. And it took me by surprise. I’m sorry that I didn’t--it doesn’t matter now. But I love you, too.”

“You…”

“Love you too,” Cas finishes, nodding. A slow smile spreads across his face as Dean stares at him. “Are you alright, Dean?”

Dean nods spacily, willing his brain to catch up with the times. He’s about to say something when Sam walks into the room. Dean barely hears him as he explains his reasoning for not trapping Chuck. He can’t even be annoyed with his little brother right now. Maybe he’s right and bad things would’ve happened. Who is Dean to say?

All that he knows for sure is that the second Sam decides to stop being a friggin cock block, he and Cas going to make up for ten years of lost time.

**Author's Note:**

> the end is so rushed im sorry lmaoooo


End file.
